Healing in the Heartache: Pregnancy & Infant Loss
October is
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Here at The Well, we want to honor and acknowledge the challenges this month may bring.
Pregnancy and infant loss is such an unexpected event with so many complicated nuances attached to it. It is considered to be a “prospective loss”, which means the loss of what is to come in the future. For the majority of people, once you receive the news of a positive pregnancy test you begin to imagine your life moving forward, whether it be as a first-time parent, or adding another child to your home. Even when ambivalence about the pregnancy occurs, there is still a journey through the thought process of who this child will be and what that means for you. The expectation is that nine months later you will have a healthy baby to add to your family.
We need to begin to normalize loss as one of the many outcomes that can occur during a pregnancy. By normalizing, we begin opening up the conversation so that the healing process does not become so isolating. When this type of a loss occurs, you are stripped of the dreams, visions and expectations you had the moment you discovered that you were pregnant. Oftentimes, we may feel alone because we had not yet shared the news of the pregnancy. Or if we had, we do not know how to share the news that we will no longer be bringing a baby earthside. Either way, we were not given enough time with the idea of being pregnant, nor were we given the opportunity to parent this new life, no matter how far along in the pregnancy we were. With other types of losses, although extremely difficult as well, there are memories to share with others in your family or community. We can get together and reminisce, laugh, celebrate, and honor the ones we lost. When we lose a pregnancy or a child during infancy, we do not have those memories to share with others. We are tasked with creating them for ourselves.
Honoring Their Precious Life
As a community, we are getting better about supporting and helping people through this unique type of grief, although we still have quite a ways to go. We do not have language specific to losing a pregnancy, infant, or even a child. When you lose a spouse, you are a widow; when you lose parents, you are an orphan; when you lose a child, there isn’t the language to even represent what has happened. Without the appropriate language, it is even more difficult to talk about these sensitive topics. Grief is a normal part of the human experience; however, we expect it to come in a certain order, and that is not always the case. Losing someone and experiencing grief changes who you are; we never “get over” or “move on”, we move through and do our best to move forward and redefine our new “normal”. We never lose the relationship or connection we have had; it simply shifts and we have to find ways to stay connected when their physical presence is no longer. How can we do that? One way to stay connected when moving through grief is to find a way to honor, celebrate and remember the life that was and the future/dreams that were to come. Some examples may include: planting a tree, flowers or a garden; naming the baby, creating or buying art work or an object that represents the baby to you. You can also find ways to incorporate spiritual, faith based, or cultural traditions and rituals that are meaningful to you.
Our Bodies Remember
It is also important to acknowledge that different events can provoke feelings surrounding our grief, and we may not even be aware that our bodies carry the memories and the grief as well. Anniversaries, friends/family members’ baby showers, seeing pregnancy, babies and children all around us can be challenging. Songs we hear, smells, sections in stores for pregnancy and babies evoke a variety of emotions. Having to go to doctor visits after the fact, or during the process, surrounded by office decorations and materials focused on the joys of pregnancy and childbirth. Let’s not forget the wall of baby announcements in every midwife or OBGYN office, which is normally a joy to look at. There often isn’t a space for those grieving in these areas.
Caring for Yourself
How can we take care of ourselves after loss? The effects are both physical and emotional. Your body has been through a physical trauma. Rest, hydration, and proper nutrition are so important in the healing journey, both physically and emotionally. Oftentimes, after miscarriage, we go right back to work instead of giving ourselves time to heal. We need to allow ourselves a safe place to feel the emotions around the grief. We need to be able to talk about what happened, and the baby, and our hopes and dreams that now need to shift. Lean on your support system, ask for help, reach out to people who will listen. There might be a need for outside resources in the form of therapy or a support group. There is no shame in seeking help and support.
Supporting Someone in Their Grief
A lot of times, our friends and family do not know what to say or how to help. Here are some ideas for ways you can support a friend or family member that has experienced a loss: bring food/groceries, help with cleaning/household chores, assist with child care if there are other children, help with doctor’s appointments. Simply being available, sitting with them and listening without trying to give advice or “fix” how they are feeling. Let them talk about the experience, the baby, the hopes and dreams that they had.
Although well-intentioned, people tend to say things that are less than helpful and can in fact be harmful to someone who is grieving. Some common things that are said that we should avoid saying include the statements: “you are young, you can just try again”, “if it doesn’t work out, you can just adopt”, “everything happens for a reason”, “this must be part of God’s plan”, “this is nature’s way of handling things”. We need to stop saying these things to people in the middle of grief. Here are some things we can say instead: “I’m sorry for your loss”, “this must be hard for you”, “I’m here to listen”, “how are you doing with all of this?”. Take your cue from the person who is grieving, use the language they use when talking about the baby. Have they named the baby? If so, say the baby’s name when talking about him or her. They need their community and they need support. Do not let them process in isolation because you do not know what to do. Simply being there and being available is often enough.
To the mommies and daddies in the middle of grief, you can and will begin to heal and the pain will lessen. You will forever hold the memories that you made, the dreams that shifted and the connections that remain to those we did not have enough time with. Your babies will not be forgotten and can forever remain with you.
You are seen, you are loved, you are valued. Your precious little ones are seen, loved and valued.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 (ESV) “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 (ESV)
Seeking Additional Mental Health Support
Walking through this journey can feel extremely isolating and confusing. We would love to be a resource for you in this delicate time. If you feel ready for support from a licensed therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, schedule a free consultation with Kristin Dean, LCSW PMH-C here!
